I almost feel I dont even need to write my own post as pieces could be taken from almost everyones posts to write my story. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. I wish you all peace and kindness in your lives. Your openess and willingness to help is a wonderful breath of fresh air when one has been suffocating in a toxic relationship. It is ironic but the more you tell these people you care and are concerned about him the more likely they will be to side with you. But also confusing if you want to find a way forward through this. My advice is not to have to live with someone like this because it is not love but something not yet defined in the annals of DSM and will and does only get worse over time. Then I will return to my friend and find a little bit more have changed since the last time and I pray alot too. Kim has also said this. Your materials and tips were and are instrumental in my change from complete co-dependency and despondance to feeling stronger and communicating clearly. Stay away from anyone who will judge and criticize. He never leaves them unattended and puts so much pressure on them not to want to see me. As my solicitor said at the time they were far more afraid of her than me. Sounds great, but if all others enable, they do not bear the consequencesany wisdom on how to get his family/my family to stop enabling him so I am not assaulted again? This method of dealing with it is the only one that has any positive results. I got upset about this, and he doesnt see that he did anything wrong because hes single and can do what he wants.He says I need therapy because I react to what I perceive to be his lack of respect in an angry way. Working with a qualified mental health professional experienced in treating victims of abuse is important. If you try to hold the narcissist to account for something they've done, they will totally stonewall you as punishment for having the audacity to point out such a flaw. I appreciate your concern but I can put you at easy because one thing that you are not aware of is that I am not and never have been afraid of him physically. It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. I do know he does not have credit cards because he just filed bankruptcy. His are exhibited in binge drinking, he states this is to maintain his happiness; he frequently waits for the next weekend to live it up. He always has an agenda.which is for himself onlyultimately to make himself feel good about himself. This is exactly why you need to step out of the way and let other professionals such as your doctor or the police deal with him. As soon as we were separated and he had a chance to talk alone, he turned them against me. Per the Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library, narcissism is a personality disorder, and it's treatable. Narcissists are excellent crazy makers!! I wish my thinking was as clear as yours, but its not. Ive heared my whole life that she is so wonderful. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? They changed my attitude not his right away.. I will try the technic to make someone else be the bad guy, but I dont know if I may have waited to long. Frequently they resort to name calling and belittling to assert dominance over the other person. I say, A job is important, it will make you feel worthy; and it will also make me happy. 6 Walk away while they're talking. You then threw in my face later Well I had to borrow the money from you so I could buy YOU and YOUR kids Christmas presents. Cuz hes made himself King? All the idiots get tossed out quick, and NO i dont care about their opinion, and all the good solid people started coming into my life. Id meant to say in that last sentence that id text him to say I was tired and hence grumpy that bubs wasnt sleeping.he told me to drink concrete and harden up it was my choice to have the baby, hed have had an abortion. But my brain knows that this is most likely the beginning of another cycle of hell, though my heart longs for it to be real. I would encourage you to read all you can get your hands on from Kim and Steve. How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. [6 Tactics] Narcissist's Lack of Accountability in Relationships Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. His behaviour towards me and the children became so bad he was forced to move out by court order. Sorry I dont have much time tonight please visit the page here , http://www.narcissismcured.com/12_Steps_to_End_the_Fights.html. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. The Accountable Narcissist | HealthyPlace I have been living his desires for all these years. Ok, comeback lines for the provocation mentioned before, Kim ideas are welcome: He (saying that doing a favour for one of his attractive female colleagues saved his day, sighing): X, what you are saying hurts me and it reminds of your affair and I instantly feel afraid that you will do this again. I do mean literally do anything to not be found out. Steve agreed to put software on his computer so that I could see all that he was up to and maybe you can ask if he will offer to do that too? You will find loads of advice and support in the articles here and also my ebooks (-: Thank you for your article. There is NOTHING you can do and even attempting to manage is not worth the headache and most times doesnt work anyways. This morning I get this txt from him Ann (response 38) hit the nail on the head. If he gets caught off guard when the police question him what is he going to say, that you keyed your own car?. Why do i hurt for him so much when i know it will not change and he has moved on. Just call me the narcissist repellent 6 mo They respond VIOLENTLY. Many of them have legal advocates that help you with your situation. Dealing with a narcissist is dealing with a bully. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. The other problem we first had was that he thought that i was there to be angry at if he was upset about anything (even if it had nothing to do with me) I explained him immediately that i was not there for that reason. Yet, I hang on to this thing called hope. and want to learn to truly love not for what they give me but for what I can give! Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. I still cant bring myself to hate her, because I understand how her having this problem is probably not her own doing but that of her parent/s.. I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. When anything goes wrong i cant even imply it was his fault. I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. Thx Kim. Trying to Make Narcissist Accountable is Keeping You Hooked And he has told others (not me of course) that he thinks I was abusive to him. It depends on what they are is the role he will play. We later talked about it and agreed that he would ask for a time out if he felt uncomfortable in an argument with me, so he would have time to let the anger out by running a view blocks for example. I havent said anything yet.. This is why we highlight the need for action. How to Make a Narcissist Fear You - UpJourney Nobody owes you self-denial of gratification, that is simply your own fascist narcissism at work and is an outgrowth of your insecurity. I wonder if there are any young men out there who have made a relationship work with a NPD young lady I feel with love and support from friends and family there must be a chance, I would appreciate any advice like most people who deal with this personality type as a mother I have been to hell and back, as well as most advice saying basically its my fault shes like this. This has been my experience of Narcissists. Thanks Kim. Vindictive Narcissists: 10 Signs & How to Handle One Everything is subtle. He mixes prescription meds and alcohol and is a walking time bomb. I know how painful this feels. I really think that Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass and The Love Safety Net Workbooks would benefit you, even with the separation. He will blame me instead of himself. Great information! They have forgiven you time and time again. It is natural for narcissistic people to care for the things that they consider worthy, particularly when given a platform to do so. I know that I need to be patient and quiet.. This is painful stuff to deal with emotionally, spiritually and financially. But I had disintegrated to such a point I had no fight or self belief left and ended up HAVING to leave suffocating and drowning in his dispair and the financial situation that we had as he would not work and earn. Healing From A Narcissistic Parent - 7 Practical Strategies I did not understand how I was allowing others to have such unhealthy control over me. What happens when a narcissist is held accountable? - Quora But I cannot pretend things r ok when I am not seeing them ok. This is, both practically and morally, bad advice. Mine was in the beginning, then less and then gone. As a Catholic priest advised me: Some people are just not capable of fulfilling the roles required of a marriage partner, i.e. I switched tacks and did something close to what you described. I kept doing it over and over again until he finally realize, his yelling at me was over. movies and poetry on 'The NC Marriage', and 'The Love Safety Net'. The lack of sleep weakens me and the ups/downs instability , paranoid state he was in with aderall I was miserable I could take him it was a life not worth living. The result- she flew into a narcissistic rage and fabricated false allegations against me. Of course he lied about what he was up to. Setting boundaries is one thing but if he is not attached to you yet it probably wont work. (Understanding Narcissism.) My husband never said he was sorry, no remorse, hasnt held a steady job 12 of 14 years. Please tell us, how are things going for you and your children? Apologies, crying baby, spelling mistakes and unfinished sentences above. There is life with or without your Nar. The more positive the connection between you = the more likely they will be to listen. I think if I respond with a more idiotic statement, the liars will see the light. 7 Be leery of future love bombing. and managed to touch the place that connected us, he could see his roll in our relationship, apologize for what happened and be accountable. 9. Do I miss them- sometimes. How do we build trust, if my N is not willing to keep a promise? His escaping from commitment, especially that we r far now made me obsessive and jealous. Mostly, I hope you will, if youre reading this. A few weeks later you bought a new one and called my daughter and me over and told us what you did and that you wanted to FIX it and asked her to put it on me. Hi DA, Sorry this post has been so popular I havent had time to respond to everyone. Do not make it a call for help for yourself or they may suspect you are trying to manipulate them. I believed him about the stuff about his EX, why wouldnt I, who would have thought a man could make up such immoral disgusting things about another person. I hope everyone reading this blog is able to share a genuine laugh or smile today. I didnt say a word. totally convinced her that he would take care of her til she died yeah put her in rest home and she never came out. It was all my fault she says because I crossed the line but she didnt do anything wrong. Otherwise be kind to yourself by forgiving them, but make sure you are prepared with better scripts next time. Thank you Kim and Steve for your inspirational insights Im trying to hang in there!!!! Why? How to Hold a Narcissist Accountable - The Love Safety net When others place responsibility on the narcissist, the narcissist sees this as an attempt to impose his or her will. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. I feel I am saving my life. But please be careful and have a look at the last chapter of Back From the Looking Glass before you do. And at times it does work. He has money in his name too so its fair. Disarming the Narcissist: How to Set Limits and Hold Them Accountable Personally I think that boundaries are better if they are set to protect yourself and your own life and interests rather than to teach someone a lesson. I went in front of the Grand Jury stating he had emotional trouble and he tried to kill himself bla bla bla, they decided not to press charges and afterwards he became even worse. There is huge part of me that feels very used, as if we were just this family he created out of loneliness until something better came along, and now that he is on his way out, he has no concern at all for the pain that created for all of us. Otherwise, you will be spending your life trying to make someone else happy, and unfortunately those days are limited. Rather than playing teacher, judge and jury or mother superior instead try some grit with a dash of humility while setting boundaries . To all those good people out there, keep looking for the help you need, get a good support team around you and as my brother says to me, Take a cement pill and harden up He wasnt being unkind, just realistic. Do not warn him about this or he may have time to make up a story. God bless you all. Eventually he began to say that he couldnt say one word with there being an issue. One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. I find this interesting in that I now realize that I was married to 2 narcissistic men. Booyah! What happens when you hold a narcissist accountable? But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. I rarely can get my husband to admit when he is wrong. No wonder that in his eyes I have been a perfect pushover. Absolute hell. After more and more learning and healing, the less I want to give intimacy of any kind to narcissists in the future, because it will never be an equal relationship Kims comment about pulling on the thread [of ones own] superiority really struck a chord- one of the main reasons for staying (besides much love) was, in retrospect, to feel like his hero- which meant feeling a little morally superior to him! I do love him. He has taken away so many things, but he could not brake my spirit. She tells me the affair is over (actually, she insists it never happened most of the time; though I have evidence to the contrary) and she is still working for the guy she had the affair with. He feels I am wronging him by leaving. However this individual, who was in my life for 2 1/2 years on and off NEVER said sorry. But when I wasnt getting what he said he got totally and completely frustrated with me, said he didnt have time for this crap in his day so I offered to call her back and handle it and he refused said he would call. He tells me Im the sick one that needs help, and do you know hes right ! He did not get arrested, but he did get stopped and sent home. Obviously, it does nothing and never has. I dont want my children to marry a person like him. Hi Kim In this article I am not talking about rape, but about people who lie and put others down. Could I have returned to Germany? The toilet bowl of my Nar life is flushing and he is finally being fractured and hopefully reformed for the better by his own actions and choices. But he invented all kinds of stories about how succesful he was. My husband appears to have pretty strong values, actually, around sexual behavior ie I dont expect that hed easily cheat. I told him that I needed him to make decision by tonite which ofcourse he didnt like at all. Your solutions have always been the right way to handle my N husband. I know this is his way of turning this back onto me. All I can say is wow. That took a lot of courage and self-respect. I dont know what else to do. Holding him accountable for mistakes. It means that someone needs to read your post before it is displayed that is usually me but not always if I am busy (-: We do that to make sure abusive comments are kept off this blog and that this is a safe place! That is why I am ending the relationship. Hang in there Amy and you be careful to follow the steps in Back from the Looking Glass about leaving because it really can escalate the abuse. What do you guys/girls think? He isnt a major narcissist but has both narcissistic and borderline tendencies and at times he is a nightmare to deal with. I hope and pray a good guy will come along for her We have two terrific kids. That it had nothing to do with me. You need to find a way to track his double life (without obsessing about it) and practice a repertoire of comeback lines for when he tries to bait you like this. The narcissistic administrator becomes a strong advocate for a single approach to teaching (typically method of instruction, less frequently a student-centered approach); regardless of the nature of the method, the administrator imposes it and prescribes how it is to be implemented. They have to learn the life lessons on their own, no more hiding the family secrets. Nar need to see that they have to own what they have done and live through the consequences. Thank you to all the people who have made comment on this site, it sure has opened my eyes. I held on for several more months hoping that he would come around, but he was really just waiting for me to cave. Thank you!. I did and you talked to her on her birthday and I was so glad you made her feel loved. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. Ive learned from reading all of these articles that screaming for him to hear me, complaining he doesnt listen, etc. We still have a ways to to but I just cant believe how different things are with us now. Do NOT get into and argument and DO NOT take these steps without reading all the steps you need in our book Back From the Looking Glass. : ) Stay strong my friends. Im hurting and I dont know what to do. He does need to learn that there are natural consequenses for his actions and that I will not always bail him out. Most people get closer together in bad times but I just know if we had a Tragic situation it would be an argument. He left me after several years of a push/pull, secretly planning to end it for a long time, but misleading me. I stopped wanting him to respect me, my sacrifices, and started asking myself to do it. Acter admitting this fi me durung an alcohil binge,he latdr denied. I also defended him from everyone that tried to push him to get back to work. This is the story of my life and almost always my experience when we are on any sort of vacation. Once you see that and live your life as a whole person with thoughts, ideas and etc., of your own, you will flourish. Im human. How to hold a Narcissist accountable.Holding a Narcissist Then on the first you told me you didnt have the money because it was Christmas and you needed money. I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. You can also be ready to say to him that he should also know if he breaks into your house again or damages anything you own you will be reporting that immediately. I never did something like this in my life, but, Ive always been a very active person and did a lot on my own and now Im stuck in a wheelchair with limited funds and spend a lot of time and energy on my health. so doing, we are able to sustain the necessary leverage for healing, for enduring change. When a narcissist with a fragile self-esteem is held accountable he breaks into a narcissistic rage. It is not wrong to use this survival skill, everyone benefits and it is to ensure your own safety. 16) You continuously ask me for more money and then act like you are doing me a favor by paying it back in monthly payments. Take care 4 Deny them what they want. H even blames me for him breaking up with me, which he does about every two months, and then he wants to make up. He hates most people. He manages to spin evey bad situation into someone else being at fault.